Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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