There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
