i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
