i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
