when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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