the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
