When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
