i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
