see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
