My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
