Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
