i was rollin on her like bob the builder
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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