I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
