u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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