I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
