Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
