I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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