Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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