its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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