I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
