So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
