Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?