When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.