When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
