that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
