I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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