Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
