I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
