you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
