This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
