Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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