i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
