Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
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