Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
