Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
