I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It's blow job season.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
