did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
