I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
