Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
