The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
