when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
