apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
