He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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