It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
