The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
