Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
