I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?