I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
