my soul wont recognize me after tonight
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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