dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
