Whod you bang
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
