answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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