OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
