The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
