Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
