Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
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I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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