Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
