It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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