My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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